I HAD NO IDEA...

Perhaps my head I spinning stories. It’s just good to have him around. As a friend. I like the pace this is going at. It’s a slow release. Neither of us wants to break the other it seems and at the same time we are interested. I feel clamed by his presence. I feel as if this energy is emanating into other areas. I am experiencing happiness, relaxation and love – in whatever form. Worries have died down somewhat. I want to focus more on the things that are positive. This is an adventure and I am really grateful for it and happy about it. I want to stay positive and let things reveal themselves. This could be it…this is definitely on the way to it…I don’t want to think about obstacles…I just want to be calm…wow, when I sent an FB invitation I had no idea what I was getting myself into…I did it as a dare to myself…and now I am so bloody amazed at what this is turning out to be I am actually speechless…my lips and tongue are numb…I had no idea I was capable of feeling like this...

TWO FORCES

There are two forces rising inside me. On the one hand I feel stronger and more focused. As if the creative energy of J. shakes me up into one upward moving force. I am thinking that thanks to his presence I will be able to express myself more. I almost feel protected by his presence somewhat. As if he's energy is saying to me: "Shout louder, it's all you need to do. Have no fear." On the other hand I feel like I am able to make up my mind faster. I don't take his word for anything. I think and stop even faced with this force that is J. My body shakes and rattles every time and every time I come out loving it. I cannot believe that this is actually happening. Right here and right now. I need long breaks. Is this something I should I share it with him? I am so used to loving the impossible, I am not sure I believe in the possibilities that are here and now. This is what his presence is making me question.

REASON WHY P.2

And it’s also as if I want to give him space…I want to welcome him…I want to be as accommodating as I can be…as if I want to say…I am intense and bold, but I want to give you space…at the same time I want to watch it from a distance still…why would I care so much about someone I have just met? I am scared of the tenderness he brings out in me…it’s quite new, brand new…I like this new me…and I want to get to know it before it has to stop…if it has to stop…I am excited…

REASON WHY

I have decided to take up writing here instead of Facebook. This is for various reasons, but mainly for two. I have only recently come to Facebook and even more recently started really saying what I feel like there, but it seems I need more space. It’s as if FB has become too claustrophobic. I want responses and you can only get so much from number limited audience. Maybe I just want to spread my wings? And the second reason and the one which made me much more vociferous on FB is that I bumped into a guy/man- no idea if he’s one or the other or both. The meeting itself consisted of a long chat, which at the time I quite enjoyed and which pushed me to take more action than I usually take. As a result he’s on my FB page and it’s just kind of good. I like his energy although we are not communicating that much. I have a feeling it will keep. Something happened to me that day and I have no idea if this is love or something else, maybe something completely new which I have only just encountered. Sometimes I think it’s quite deep and sometimes it is quite playful. Whatever since that day I feel good, I walk faster, I smile more, I sleep less and I have started to listen to music. I feel invincible. I want to talk, I want to shout. I want to see him again, but I guess I am scared it will turn out to be just a dream. Somehow I have a feeling he’s the same. No evidence for that what so ever. Just a hunch. We are two visionaries and we are taking our time. And this is why I returned here today….

OXFORD

THINKING OF KEATS

My love is selfish

And my life's mourning

My religion is love

I'd die for you

You are exquisite

Pain and pearls

You've ravished me

I'm a martyr for love

There's no end

To my religion

But I cannot exist without you

There's no content to my life

Will you always dismiss me?

Will your heart never change?

I shudder no more

++++++++++++++++++++++

my wish is not to live within the walls of art

nor to surrender to desire's unwavering night

i want to live in full blast, only one sheet apart

from the world

instead of silent howling in a damp cave of an eremite

i wish for arms burdened with lively tasks

brimming with vibrant actions pulsating to the shores

of my whole being

so this sublime mask

becomes a rugged moor

and my mind is finally paused still

like a child's yearning for the unchangeable

rhythm of its mother's breast

SATURDAY WISDOM P1

Life is so much more interesting when you fail.

SOFT FLOORS

CURTAINS

UNIFORM

It took you two years to show me your old uniform. It was neatly pressed and carefully hung. Its fabric looked flat and creaseless . I watched your face and sensed the weight of the occasion. Your eyes acquired that far away clouded look. You were gone. It didn’t matter I could see the hills too. My heart sunk. I was never going to get you back again. I thought of your father and whether he beat you a lot. You wouldn’t let anyone in. Not even me.

Job Centre Experience P. 1

Finding yourself out of job is not a pleasant experience but it can be a valuable lesson in how inefficient and misinformed the system is. Having always had a system phobia I found myself not at all reassured firstly by the lack of advice and secondly by the conflicting information dispensed by the local Job Centre and the Glasgow Call Centre. It took several attempts on my part to establish whether I actually meet criteria for Job Seekers’ Allowance in the first place.

The biggest problem seemed to be the fact that I was doing voluntary work at the time of applying. I had thought the government would be more than happy to support me in me taking the initiative and actually honing and expanding my skills as I well as looking for work. The government and all its numerous branches seemed confused however. Despite the fact that the local Job Centre said I was allowed to do any amount of voluntary work I wanted, the Call Centre in Glasgow had other ideas. Well, even they were confused. First part of the claim was taken over the phone with one advisor who then informed me that the rest of the telephone interview would be conducted by someone else. “What about my voluntary work? Will I be able to claim despite the fact that I am doing an internship three days a week? "It should not be a problem.” The woman on the other end even agreed with me that without it, it would be a "catch 22 situation". I felt optimistic.

The next step which is the completion of an application over the phone goes badly wrong however. In addition to the national insurance number and address details, which I have to have at the ready according to the website I also need to be able to hand over precise numbers with regards to expenses, previous employer addresses including fax numbers and post codes . All details which I do not have stored in my head. I get flustered, the man at the other end becomes tense and wants to hang up because they “have targets” apparently and the conversations are timed. This piece of information only adds to my stress and by the time I get to the voluntary work bit I want to hang up myself in order to stop the madness.

Things get worse. Later I find out the issue is whether my voluntary work would count as “actively seeking work”, the concept with which I am not that familiar and I find myself speechless at the agent’s argument that if they “allowed people to do voluntary work everyone would be working and claiming benefits”. Somehow we muddle through, but unaware that this is not allowed I ask for my initial appointment to be postponed to another day as I am due at work. This is a red flag to a bull as the call centre agent says he will have put notes into the system because he does not believe I will be fulfilling my obligations. I feel like a criminal. Okay, I say, “I will attend when you ask”.

The phone call has taken over an hour and in the end it goes nowhere because I am off to Denmark for two days. “It has been booked ages ago”, I explain. There is no point in opening a claim as when I am out of the country it does not count as actively seeking work and I am not entitled to anything. I give up and decide to deal with it all upon my return.

A new week and a fresh attempt. I take a deep breath and call the local Job Centre yet again to double check with regards to my voluntary hours. They confirm it should count as actively seeking work. I feel relieved. I only have to convince the person at the other end that it is just that. So, I make myself a cup of tea, cross myself and dial. I get someone else this time. I feel better. “I just need to stay calm and not get upset due to the overwhelming helplessness.” We go through the process again, this time I have all the numbers and details ready. It goes smooth until we get to the dreaded voluntary work bit. Another deep breath. I feel I need to help the person at the other end understand the system he’s working for. I am calm, I try not to raise my voice. I explain what the job centre have told me. Finally, he gets it…” I will put a note into the system that your voluntary work should count as “actively seeking work”. I can’t believe it, I feel an unnecessary relief. I am still confused, but one battle has been won.

PAVEMENTS

GLOBES

North American Nostalgia

Today I'm dreaming of North America's wide open spaces in this Russia inspired attire. Spinning invisible threads between east and west while sitting in the centre of the universe that is London. Perhaps its grey skies and stillness of today inspired this connection? It's a cup of tea kind of weather and maybe some battenberg cake to brighten up the mood...

More Textures

saturday on golborne road

Arranging my clothes for the photograph made me unexpectedly happy. I liked touching the fabrics and pinning them together. I liked looking at all the different textures. Mixture of modern techniques as in the perforations of the white top with old ones like this "tapestry" jacket .

LADBROKE GROVE STATION

JULIA'S PRESENTS

HAPPINESS ON A PLATE

EASTER MEMORIES