I HAD NO IDEA...

Perhaps my head I spinning stories. It’s just good to have him around. As a friend. I like the pace this is going at. It’s a slow release. Neither of us wants to break the other it seems and at the same time we are interested. I feel clamed by his presence. I feel as if this energy is emanating into other areas. I am experiencing happiness, relaxation and love – in whatever form. Worries have died down somewhat. I want to focus more on the things that are positive. This is an adventure and I am really grateful for it and happy about it. I want to stay positive and let things reveal themselves. This could be it…this is definitely on the way to it…I don’t want to think about obstacles…I just want to be calm…wow, when I sent an FB invitation I had no idea what I was getting myself into…I did it as a dare to myself…and now I am so bloody amazed at what this is turning out to be I am actually speechless…my lips and tongue are numb…I had no idea I was capable of feeling like this...

TWO FORCES

There are two forces rising inside me. On the one hand I feel stronger and more focused. As if the creative energy of J. shakes me up into one upward moving force. I am thinking that thanks to his presence I will be able to express myself more. I almost feel protected by his presence somewhat. As if he's energy is saying to me: "Shout louder, it's all you need to do. Have no fear." On the other hand I feel like I am able to make up my mind faster. I don't take his word for anything. I think and stop even faced with this force that is J. My body shakes and rattles every time and every time I come out loving it. I cannot believe that this is actually happening. Right here and right now. I need long breaks. Is this something I should I share it with him? I am so used to loving the impossible, I am not sure I believe in the possibilities that are here and now. This is what his presence is making me question.

REASON WHY P.2

And it’s also as if I want to give him space…I want to welcome him…I want to be as accommodating as I can be…as if I want to say…I am intense and bold, but I want to give you space…at the same time I want to watch it from a distance still…why would I care so much about someone I have just met? I am scared of the tenderness he brings out in me…it’s quite new, brand new…I like this new me…and I want to get to know it before it has to stop…if it has to stop…I am excited…

REASON WHY

I have decided to take up writing here instead of Facebook. This is for various reasons, but mainly for two. I have only recently come to Facebook and even more recently started really saying what I feel like there, but it seems I need more space. It’s as if FB has become too claustrophobic. I want responses and you can only get so much from number limited audience. Maybe I just want to spread my wings? And the second reason and the one which made me much more vociferous on FB is that I bumped into a guy/man- no idea if he’s one or the other or both. The meeting itself consisted of a long chat, which at the time I quite enjoyed and which pushed me to take more action than I usually take. As a result he’s on my FB page and it’s just kind of good. I like his energy although we are not communicating that much. I have a feeling it will keep. Something happened to me that day and I have no idea if this is love or something else, maybe something completely new which I have only just encountered. Sometimes I think it’s quite deep and sometimes it is quite playful. Whatever since that day I feel good, I walk faster, I smile more, I sleep less and I have started to listen to music. I feel invincible. I want to talk, I want to shout. I want to see him again, but I guess I am scared it will turn out to be just a dream. Somehow I have a feeling he’s the same. No evidence for that what so ever. Just a hunch. We are two visionaries and we are taking our time. And this is why I returned here today….

OXFORD

THINKING OF KEATS

My love is selfish

And my life's mourning

My religion is love

I'd die for you

You are exquisite

Pain and pearls

You've ravished me

I'm a martyr for love

There's no end

To my religion

But I cannot exist without you

There's no content to my life

Will you always dismiss me?

Will your heart never change?

I shudder no more

++++++++++++++++++++++

my wish is not to live within the walls of art

nor to surrender to desire's unwavering night

i want to live in full blast, only one sheet apart

from the world

instead of silent howling in a damp cave of an eremite

i wish for arms burdened with lively tasks

brimming with vibrant actions pulsating to the shores

of my whole being

so this sublime mask

becomes a rugged moor

and my mind is finally paused still

like a child's yearning for the unchangeable

rhythm of its mother's breast

SATURDAY WISDOM P1

Life is so much more interesting when you fail.